"Where's My Daddy?"

A month or so back, we were on our way to a birthday party and from the back seat of the car the question comes... "mommy, where's my daddy?" Now we've talked about this subject many times before and we've ready many, many books about it, but I could tell by his tone, this time was going to be different.

I started to explain about him not having a daddy and how lots of kids don't have a daddy and how he has SO many people who love him. And the question comes back..."BUT, WHERE is my daddy? I WANT to see him! I JUST WANT him!!!" Hmmmm, tough conversation to have while driving, no? I decide to take the "logical approach"... I AM an engineer, after all. And I ask, so what is it exactly that you feel you're missing with a daddy???? And the answer comes back "I JUST WANT HIM!!!"....hmmm....this is clearly not going well.

So, I try to explain the whole thing again about how I don't know who he is and he doesn't know about us. Now, here's where him being a little smartypants gets me into big trouble. So he says "then how can his sperm have met up with your egg if you never met him?" Oh boy, now I'm talking about sperm and eggs with a 4 year old...while driving, no less!!!!!

So, I calmly explain the the doctor took the egg from mommy and the sperm from the donor and put them together. So he sits straight up and says "then let's ask the doctor who my daddy is!" Hmmm...makes sense, no? So, I try to explain that he's not allowed to tell us who his daddy is because it's a secret and he'll get in big bad trouble if he does. And he laughs and says, "that's just silly mommy, he'll tell me who he is because he's MY daddy!!" Oy Vey...

At this point, I can tell that he's getting a little bit upset so I decide to pull over and get out his picture book and show him the only picture we have of his daddy FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME. (Yes, on the side of the road...and NO, not what I had planned) I pull over and ask "would you like to see a picture of your daddy?" And OMG, you'd think I just told him Santa Claus was on the roof of the car with a bag of toys just for him.!! So, I take out the book (which he's looked through a hundred times, but never known who that boy was in the middle of one page) and I show him the picture of his daddy as a child. He bends down and kisses the picture in the book and says "momma, wherever my daddy is he knows that I just sent him a kiss." OK, so it's breaking my heart at this moment. And I sit there on the side of the road wondering was it fair to have made the decision to bring him into this world knowing he would never be able to meet his daddy? Was it cruel? Was it selfish?

As I try to fight back the tears, he looks up at me, closes the book and says "mommy, why are we still sitting here, I'm going to miss the cake!" And reverts back to his non-stop chattering about the "beautiful clouds" and how "much more better" he is at something or other than anyone else in his class and on and on and on. And just like that, we returned back to life as we know it...

Though I'm quite sure this is not the last conversation we will have on this subject...