Meet Jake Anthony: The Power (and responsibility) of Being A Parent...

Well, this weekend was not quite as we had hoped. Jakey's 4th birthday bash was washed out and had to be rescheduled to Sept 12th. Leaving me to wonder if we just weren't always meant to have it in September, because this would have been the very first time we actually held it in the month that he was born (Aug) and alas, the heavens felt it was not as it should be? In the end, all things DO happen for a reason though, because Jake had a 101.7 fever on Friday night and that, plus the threat of rain, would have definitely sent me over the edge (BIG time) if I had NOT decided to postpone.

Then we awoke to the picture perfect bday party day today (Sunday) and all day, I kept thinking WHY couldn't this have been yesterday?!?!?!? Oh well, again one look at Jakey was all it took to remind me that it just wasn't meant to be as he still looked a little "wilted" and was coughing even more than yesterday. Seems a pajama day was exactly what we needed because by tonight, although the cough remained, he seemed a bit better...and nanny and I certainly didn't mind the rest!! LOL

Which brings me to the driving reason behind tonight's post... As I was kneeling on the floor next to his bed tonight, rubbing his back, listening to his incredibly cool new ipod speakers from his Aunt Maria (who he affectionately refers to as "my friend, Maria") and Aunt Maureen, I couldn't help but think about both the power and responsibility that I had to/for this little life. In that moment, as the words in the song we were listening to said "life's about change, nothing ever stays the same", I realized how very true that was. It seemed like only yesterday, or at the most last week, that I was leaning in over the crib rail rubbing his little back and here we are with 4 candles on the cake...how did that happen?!?!?

But, more importantly than the time that has mysteriously passed at the speed of light, is the thought that even this time, the here and now, will soon seem like a not so distant memory. And before we know it, there will be 14 candles on that cake and then 24 and on and on. So, what does this have to do with "power" and "responsibility"? Well, in that quiet moment while I was watching him drift peacefully off to sleep, I realized that today, I have the ability to basically control most of what my son experiences. Put in the simplest form...I have the "power" to make him happy or sad...to ensure he feels loved at every turn...I basically control his environment, his world and how he's feeling in it.

And when I really think about it, honestly, it's not all that hard to do...right now, anyway. Happy is a full tummy, enough sleep and more than his share of my attention.

It's unconditional love that comes in the form of kisses and hugs and snuggles and just pure mommy adoration.

It's complete and instant forgiveness to ANY and ALL mishaps in return for a little voice saying "I'm sorry, mommy."

It's answering to the thousandth "mommy?" with as much love in my voice as I did the very first. (Admittedly, I don't always get this one quite right)

It's letting a warm little body sneak his way into my bed at 5 or 6 in the morning knowing that 15 minutes later, I'll be holding on to the 3 inches of the king size bed that's been left for me as he relentlessly pinches my "waddle".

It's cream cheese sandwiches with the "skin" (aka, crust) cut off and green ice cream with rainbow sprinkles.

It's being willing to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse repeats for the 50th time and listening to Hannah Montana sing "The Climb" until I'm ready to climb out the car window.

It's staying up past 1 am researching the very best in multi-layered puzzles, marble mazes, sudoku puzzles for kids (and YES, he can do these...it's amazing), and anything else that might keep this intellectually curious pre-schooler challenged.

It's answering every "Momma, did you never know....??" question with the best possible answer, even when it was just answered 10 minutes earlier and the day before and the day before that.

It's carrying that 43 lb body up and down the stairs when those hands raise up to me, even with my briefcase and a million other things that need to make their way back to where they came from in tow...while the whole time reminding myself that some day in the not so distant future, I won't be able to pick him up and hold him like that anymore.

It's one more book before bed and one more minute of rocking in the rocking chair, one more kiss before leaving the room, and one more time of asking that nightly bedtime question...yes, the one I've asked him every night of his life from the day he was born... "Jake Anthony...who could love you more than your mommy? who could possibly love you more than mommy?" To which he giggles and replies either "Jordan" or "Everyone"...either of which earns him a bunch of tickles.

It's staying right there when he says "please stay and rub my back a little more momma", because there's just no place more important I need to be (even if it's 8:00 and I'm still in my work clothes).

And, of course, these are all the things (and a million more) that I should/could do to make my little boy feel happy and loved. But being human, every day I do some well and others I wish I had done better. Yet, somehow, until that moment tonight, I hadn't really thought about how much "power" comes with the "responsibility" of being his mommy and how, I will slowly over time lose this control to the influences that come from the world outside my control.

How a time will come when my love alone won't be enough to make him feel secure. When my arms alone won't be enough to make him feel safe. When what I think and what I say will only be one part of a multi-faceted equation that he'll use to determine happiness and sadness in each and every day. When I will no longer be able to kiss all the boo boos away and make everything ok with a bowl of green ice cream and the right kind of sprinkles. Yes, back in the simplest of terms... I will no longer have the power to control whether he's happy or sad, safe or afraid, feeling loved or unloved. Though I somehow doubt I will ever feel less responsible for it...because, after all, he'll always be my baby.

So, for me, this was a stark reminder of the wonderful opportunity that I have today and a little reminder of the awesome power that comes with the responsibility for this little life... And although I try not to take anything for granted, this will certainly cause me to check and recheck myself on that each and every day. And hopefully, even remember to take a deep breath and respond lovingly to each and every "mommy?" that comes my way! LOL

In closing, if I'm being honest, it did also cause me to question whether I had done the right thing making him give up his beloved paci yesterday?!?!?! Again, knowing HOW much he loved that thing and how incredibly soothing it was for him...should I have forced him to give it up? Of course, it didn't help to have Nanny come downstairs after getting him to sleep and say "oh, I was laying there next to him thinking how sad it is that we HAD to make him give up his paci"...with tears in her eyes, no less!!!! Ahhh, just one of many things I'm sure I'll second guess myself on as the years go on...after all, this mommy job doesn't come with an training, it's all "on the job"!

Thanks to all of the important people in our lives who help me to make more right decisions than wrong and who help me to make Jakey feel like the most loved little boy in the world!!! Whether consciously or not, you all share in this awesome balance of power and responsibility with me and not a day goes by that I'm not thankful to have you in it with me!!!!

Here's the best proof of all that we must be doing something right...pictures of one happy, and totally loved little boy!!!