Tonight when getting ready for our bedtime ritual of reading books, Jake selected a very special book that was created for him by his Aunt Amy and Aunt CC not long after he was born. It was the first time that we had read it where he could really understand what the words meant and could actually follow the story. To say he was fascinated by the book, would have to be the understatement of the year. There, in writing, was the story of his birth...what he weighed, how long he was, who came to see him, and how much we all adored him.
As we made our way through this incredible book, we stopped and talked about every picture on every page and he was quick to make up some memory that he was sure was real about what we were doing on each page. (He loves to tell me what he remembers about being a baby) It was such a special experience to read these pages with him and see the fascination at hearing about his own birth. I had read it to him many, many times before, but always when he was too young to understand what it was I was reading. Then, somehow, we managed to "lose" the book among the hundreds of books we've amassed over the past 4 years...that is, until tonight.
So, we get to the very end of the book and the last page shows a picture of a man walking with a woman who is carrying a baby. And with pure innocence comes the question I knew would someday come, but still somehow have no good answer for... "Momma, is that my daddy?" It was as if time stood still. I felt myself actually catch my breath and I thought for a moment that my heart skipped a beat. Such a simple question, right? Should only require a simple answer, right? And yet, I had none, and thus, I said nothing.
And so, he asked again... "Momma, that man there in the picture walking with you...is that my daddy?" In the 3 seconds that followed, ten thousand things flew through my mind... All at once I felt sad...for not having a simple answer and knowing that I never would, I felt guilty...for making what one might deem a selfish decision to have a child on my own, one who would never know what it's like to have a "daddy", I felt a sense of panic... like maybe he was asking because he felt that something or someone was missing in his life...because he saw the other kids at school with daddies and felt deprived to not have one of his own.
Not wanting to let him sense all of these random thoughts, I said the first thing I could think of ... no, I think that's Pops walking with us. And just as he had done on every other page, he came up with a memory and said "oh, that's right, I remember when I was a baby and Pops was helping you to bring me in the house so we could watch the Jets play". And with that, for him, the conversation was over. No second thoughts, no lingering "daddy" questions, just our usual hugs and kisses and snuggles in his bed. I, on the other hand, remain a little shell shocked by the whole event.
And so the questions remain...what do you say to a 4 year old who has an anonymous donor for a daddy? If I tell him some of what I know about his daddy, how do I explain that he can't EVER meet him or talk to him? Is it easier to not miss something/someone that you know little or nothing about? Do I say things that are easier to understand, but not quite the truth knowing that I will likely have to explain why I was untruthful at some point? (Those things never seem to turn out well) And knowing Jake, and how bright he is, do I risk creating some alternate reality that he, even at age 4, sees right through?? This is, after all, not your average 4 year old we're talking about.
He reminded me of this just today when we were leaving his school and I looked up to find the American flag at half mast and he turned to me and said "momma, did you never know that they put the flag half way down the pole when a policeman or fireman dies (this one is in front of a fire station) and when it's way up at the top, that means that nobody has died?" And that was only minutes after he had shown me on the globe how places that are located close to the "line" (AKA, the equator) are really hot and those at the top and bottom are freezing cold with polar bears. So, I'm thinking some little made up story isn't going to cut it...
Well, no answers tonight, just questions. So, I'm off to my favorite website (Amazon.com) to order a bunch of books on the subject...will be sure to let you know what I find out. Oh, and any and all advice is welcomed!!!!!
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